The Evil Penis Ghost: A Supernatural Parody
by Straggletag
Summary: A strange parody of supernatural which includes visits from the characters of Buffy and Smallville. Dean and Sam are called upon to investigate a strange ghostly disturbance at a high school. Includes randomness, dirty jokes, sharing and man-love!
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time a beautiful young girl called Svetlana was walking down the street eating a danish pastry. She looked in one of the shops and saw Dean from Supernatural shopping for condoms.

She went over to him and he asked if they had bigger sizes.  
"I don't work here," she said, glancing at his enormous bag of tomatos. She smiled and pointed to one of the shop assistants. Svetlana watched as he walked over to her, as he began talking to the assisant Sam poked his head out of the corner and said "Dean, did you get the condoms we need to trap the spirit of the evil giant penis that haunts the local high school?"  
"Yes," dean said, "I also got tomatoes which we can use to..." throw at those evil penis bitches!" he said smiling and spraining his neck as he looked up at his tall YOUNGER brother.

"So, sam, did you get the mop for the aftermath?  
"Yeah, sam smiled, "I hid it up my ass and i will extract it when the fight is over."  
Svetlana thought both the brothers were really hot, especially dean. She had graduated from the haunted penis high school a year ago and remembered the ghost very well.  
"I can help you!" she cried.  
Dean rasied his eyebrow and flexed his muscles, "How?" he asked.  
"Well," she said "....."Ive defeated it before, its quite simple, you just need to flirt with it and then sing a song about how much you love it."  
Sam and Dean looked at each other in confusion, Sam's eyebrow seemed the raise above and beyond his head at this odd way of defeating the enemy.  
"hmmmmmmmmmmm" they said together, stroking their chins in unison.

They decided to go along with Svetlana's plan but, due to proof that the penis preferred women to men, they decided to dress in drag. Dean wore a slinky gold dress, padded his bra and made-up his face.  
Sam just threw on an old halloween wig.  
"Dude," he said, looking at dean in confusion, "Why do you own so much girl stuff?  
Dean smiled, "Well...I used to be a transvestite, then i discovered my cool car and awesome music and my cool leather jacket....so I stopped dressing like a women" he replied, with large grin across his face. Sam looked at him like he was a freak and the grin on Dean's face soon vanished.  
"okay then......" Sam said, "Lets go kill this motherfuck of a penis" Svetlana nodded and..then they left.  
They arrived at the school and Dean arranged himself provocatively on the floor of the gymnasium.  
Sam and Svetlana hid behind the bleachers, clutching the condoms and tomatoes.

Soon enough the ghostly penis drifted into the hall and over to dean who pouted sexily.  
"Well hello there," he said huskily, "My my you are a big boy..."  
The penis wibbled and tried to attack dean. Sam jumped on it and tried to cover it with the extra large condom but it was too small. Dean was helpless!  
"Somebody save me!" he cried.  
Suddenly a blur appeared and flung the penis off dean. The blur slowed down and turned into a young man with black hair and REALLY white teeth.  
"Hi, i'm clark kent," he said, looking at dean, "hi sexy lady!"  
"OH NO!" sam cried, "the penis is....trying to do it with Dean!" he squealed.  
"Svetlana, fire the tomatoooooooossss!!!" he cried. Dean and Clark heard a whooshing noise and as they both turned to look they saw a mountain of tomatos launching towards them. Both of them screamed like girls and Dean jumped into Clarks strong arms.  
"ooooh, wat strong arms you have :D" he smiled looking at Clark.  
"Why thank you, all the better to...wait, what the hell am I saying, we need to get out of here" he screamed running for the exit.  
then he remembered he was superman and therefore was not a pussy and so returned to where the brothers and svetlana were still fighting the penis which was trying to wriggle up dean's dress.

"GROSS!" dean cried, "how did this evil penis come to exist?"  
"I looked it up on the internet," sam said, still throwing tomatoes, "The legend goes that when a guy dies in the middle of having sex and he didn't 'finish' his penis will forever haunt the place he died."  
"I bet lex luthor had something to do with this..." clark muttered under his breath.  
"How to we defeat it?" dean asked, making a kissy face at clark.  
"We may need to let it have its way," sam said seriously, looking at his brother. He took a deep breath, "with dean."  
They stopped throwing tomatoes and the penis disappeared up dean's dress.  
It then 'finished' and exploded into goo all over the place. Sam extracted the mop from his ass and was about to start cleaning when someone walked in. It was...Buffy, here to the rescue, she cried, throwing her arm in the air.  
"What the hell you doing here?" Sam asked, "there ain't no vamps around bitch"  
Buffy began to cry as she was a very vulnerable person. "There there its okay" Dean said, trying to comfort her. "thank you miss."  
"HEY I AM NOT A WOMEN! AND I MOST DEFINETLY AM NOT GAY" *wink* *wink*  
"Then why are you wearing a dress?" buffy asked.  
"It makes me feel gooooooood." dean admitted, "And we needed disguises to fool the penis."

Suddenly a bald man walked in, strutting like he owned the world.  
"Lex!" Clark cried, running in front of dean to defend him. "I knew you were involved somehow!"  
Lex smirked evilly. Because he was evil. "Yeah i was trying to create a race of super-penises using kryptonite in my lab a Luthorcorp but one got away and came here.."  
"DUDE!" Sam cried, "What do you need loads of penisis for?"  
Lex grinned at him and ran a hand over clark's bicep.  
"Well..." he said, storking his arm and looking deeply into Clark's eyes.  
"I've been meaning to tell you.." he began, still locked on Clark's blue eyes.  
"Ive got this feeling that wont subside." he continued. Dean looked at Sam, he was sure he had heard these words before.  
"I look at you and I Faaaantaaassiize!" Lex sang in Clarks ear. Just then the penis began to stomp towards Lex, "oh shit! I shouldn't have began flirting, the penis is reacting."  
"Yeah!" Sam said, disgusted. "It reformed from the goo to do you!"  
Lex shuddered. "That cannot happen. It is modeled after my own penis."  
"Wow," dean was impressed, "You aaaare a big boy. I guess you make up for your lack of hair in other ways, huh?"  
Clark saw lex wink at dean and got jealous. Lex was HIS evil bitch.  
"I VOLUNTEER TO LET IT FINISH THIS TIME!" he cried.

The penis wibbled towards him and disappeared down his pants. A few seconds past and it exploded into goo.  
Sam picked up the mop and began to clean. Svetlana and buffy threw up in a corner.  
Then they heard a loud rumbling. "What the Frak is that?" Dean asked, his glossy lips trembling.  
"I hear it too" Sam said, everyone stopped and looked around. "look at this cup of water, it mooooooooooooves" Dean, said holding an abnormally large glass of water, about the size of flower pot infront of him.  
"Where the fuck did you get that?" Buffy asked.  
"I was very thirsty, anyway...shhhh this is climatic moment" Just then the rumble sounded again and the doors of the gym flew off. "AHAHHHHHHH" they all screamed as 20ft penis' marched into the gym chanting a freaky song.

"WE WANNA HAVE SEX ON THE BEACH!" the penises sang, "come on everybody!"  
"Holy hell," lex exclaimed, "I may never be able to look at my own penis again."  
"I can look at it," Clark licked his lips.  
"You are welcome to," Lex fluttered his eyelashes.  
"HOLD IT!" Sam cried, "Your flirting is making them wibble!"  
"What are we going to do!" Buffy cried. "I wish i had never come here!"  
"they all have to finish," sam said solemnly. "I bagsy not 'finishing' them."  
"Me too!" lex said.  
"Me three!" Buffy and Svetlana said at the same time.  
"Me four," clark said.

Dean shrugged and waltzed over to the penises who surounded him immediatley. They all wibbled in unison for a moment and then exploded into goo. Dean stood where they had been, naked.  
"Woah dude!" sam cried, "Put it away!" he threw a silver jumpsuit at his brother and dean put it on.  
"How did you know you could take it?" lex asked.  
"Oh easy," dean said, "I once did a whole football team.  
Sam sighed, his brother was..... such a slut. Dean shrugged and claimed "I go a little bit crazy sometimes. Just lose it" he said, leaping in the air. Lex laughed and jumped over to Dean. They both began doing some crazy shit dance, throwing their head in the air and screaming, "AHAHAHAHAH!"

"What the bloody hell, have they gone insane?" Clark asked. Just as he said this the roof of the gym flew off and a gigantic Lionel smiled down.  
"Hello, there, is Lex there. His dinner is ready."  
"what the fuck dude, why you so tall?" asked Sam.  
Lionel smiled and threw his mane of hair over his shoulder. they could actually see it growing as lionel spoke.  
"Well i was secretly in league with the penises," he growled, "I made a deal with them. Offered them money if they would haunt this school."  
"But dad!" Lex was devastated, his father was a double-crossing dick. "Why did you want to terrorize this school?"  
Lionel shrugged, "because i am evil."  
"But strangely sexy.." dean said.  
"GOD DEAN DO YOU DO EVERYTHING?" Sam yelled.  
Dean nodded and pulled his the zipper of his jumpsuit down to his hipline.  
"Yo lionel, like what you see?" as asked flirtateously.  
Lionel sighed "......Lex walked right up to Dean and slapped him in the face,  
"Get a hold of yourself dude!" he said, "I'd rather get a hold of yoooouuu.." Dean said, moving flirtatiously towards Lex. "Im for Clark's eyes only." he said, grabbing Clarks strong shoulders. "Hey guys, I think we can put a stop on this gay show. We need to get out of here before the whole place collapses." Sam said, pushing Lex off clark and slapping Dean once again.

Just as they were about to leave Svetlana and Buffy both slapped Dean.  
"Dudes, whats with the slapping!!" he yelled.  
"We don't like MANWHORES!" they cried.  
Somewhere in beverly hills a handsome young man named brandon looked up from his newspaper work, "did someone say my name?" he wondered.  
back in the gymnasium dean began to cry.  
"I can't help it!" he sobbed, "i am addicted to SEX!"  
"To me?" lex asked, confused.  
"No darling, " Clark gave lex a sloppy kiss. "he said SEX not LEX."  
"LEX!" Lionel cried. "how dare you be gay!! A LUTHOR CANNOT BE GAY!"  
Lex burst into tears, "Dad i hate you! because of you i struggled all my life with this secret but i finally found clark who accepts my man-loving ways!"  
"You know i do!" Clark cried, slapping lex on the ass.  
Buffy and Svetlana burst into tears, "GAY RIGHTS!" they cried.

Dean turned to his brother and sam noticed dean's mascara had run down his face.  
"Sam, is there anything you want to confess?" dean asked.  
....."no, not really." Sam said, backing away from all the strange men. "why is everyone gay....." Lex at this point was hanging onto Clark, Dean was doing some sexy dance and Lionel was watching from the roof. "THERES NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!" Sam shouted, clapping his feet together. He kept doing it, but nothing happened. "Join us Sam, be one of us." "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" he screamed running out the gym. Outside hundreds of men were performing YMCA.  
Sam screamed again and ran back inside.

Dean was now wearing only purple unicorn boxers and was doing a seductive fan dance with fern leaves.  
"This was supposed to be a simple mission," sam sighed, "how did it end up like this?"  
He finished sweeping up the glue and then shoved the mop back up his ass. He grabbed his brother.  
"Dean, you gotta snap out of this!" he cried. "What would dad say?"  
Dean blinked at him, "he would say....wow my son is HOTT!"

"Lets all get to know each other!" buffy yelled suddenly, gathering everyone to sit in a circle. "After surviving giant penises i think we should at least learn some stuff about each other."  
Lionel watched from above, a tear trickling down his cheek.  
"I'll go first," he growled; "I may love my bald gay son but have a pathalogical need to screw with his life. I don't want to hurt him...i just find it hard to express love because when i was young my hamster died. I vowed then that i would never love again."  
"I once did george bush," dean confessed, "And pierce brosnan, and eminem, and bubby deol, and dawson from the creek and sam..."  
"DUDE!" Sam screamed, "WHAT THE..."  
"You were asleep," dean grinned. "Who's next?" buffy asked as sam threw up.  
"Sorry, Sam, but you fucking enjoyed it...hehe............." Dean said.  
"Dude, that is soooooo wrong...eeww man. Your ma BRO!" Sam said.  
"I know...and ur hott!" he said, rubbing his head up against Sam's chest. "eeeeew get off me." Everyone looked at Dean in shock and then Buffy screamed,  
"I was in love with Giles, but he thought he was just standing in the.." "BORING!" Dean shouted suddenly. "Unless it is gay, im not interested." They all looked as Dean fluttered his eyelashes at Lex, who cleared his throat and looked elsewhere. "I'll go then," Clark said. "i was sitting in my fortress of solitude a few days ago when i got horny so i ran to lex's house and used my laser vision to look into his bedroom. he was dancing to the backstreet boys, naked. anyway i did my thing and when i 'finished' my goo turned out to be super strong and it made a crater in your garden,"  
he pouted, "I'm soooo sorry lex!"  
Lionel growled, "I knew that was you Kent, you left a farm smell behind."

"That was gross," buffy said. "I was in love with giles and one day i went to seduce him dressed as mrs calender, cos i knew he liked her, and then he..."  
"Oh clark," lex cried, "That was the most beautiful thing i ever heard.  
Dean nodded, jumping on sam's lap and braiding his brother's hair. Sam threw up.  
Lex sighed, "that day when i crashed my car off the bridge and clark you saved me, i wasn't really dying. I just pretended so you would make out with me. Also i like to walk around my mansion naked but its been really hard recently because everyone keeps popping in to accuse me of doin evil shit."  
"Saaaaaammm, sam, sexy sam, "Dean bit his brother's ear. "It's your turn. And it better be sexy!""  
"But what about me?" buffy sobbed, "I was dressed as mrs calender and i found giles in the library and i said 'Hello there hot stuff' and he said..."Calendar! I love you Jenny. And we started making out.."  
"Anyway, Sam, tell us about your day." Dean said, stroking his head. "Sam, jerked away from Dean, " I woke up. Had coffee and ended up in this mess...and apparently slept with you DEAN!!" he said, storming out of the gym.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo wait for me honey bunny." Dean shouted running after him like a girl. Buffy watched as they left and took the opportunity to finish her story. "Anyway we were making out and then my wig fell off and Giles was like OMG! But then he just shrugged and we kept going...isnt he a weird man....but he kept calling me Shiloh for some reason...strange. And then he cut out my kidney...not sure why...and then he dressed up as a repo man...not sure why."

"SAM IS ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE PEOPLE!!" Dean said storming infront of Buffy once again. everyone rushed outside where Sam was stood on top of the roof.  
"What are you waiting for!" Svetlana screamed.  
"shut up" LEx said, punching her to the floor, "who the fuck is she anyway?" he asked.  
"Yeah totally," Dean bitched, "she isn't even from any show..." then he remembered his brother "WE HAVE TO SAVE SAM!" he cried. They all ran outside and looked up at where sam was standing on the roof.  
"I can't live like this dean!" he cried, "What if you got me pregnant!"  
"Boys can't get pregnant," svetlana pointed out.  
Lex punched her in the face; "Fuck you!" he cried, "me an clark are gonna have a baby possum!"  
"Sam! Please come down," dean sobbed, "I promise i only did it that one time when you were sleeping and, well there was that other time when i drugged your beer..."  
"DUDE!" sam cried.  
"And that time when i dressed up as a nurse and you didn't know and we did it on the hospital bed..."  
Sam covered his ears "lalalalalalalalaalalala!" he cried.

"GILES AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED!" buffy cried, "i should be at the church RIGHT NOW!"  
"Then why are you still here?" clark snapped.  
"I have a hero complex," buffy cried. "I can't leave when someone is in danger."  
"SAM!" dean screamed, "i won't ever do you again until you ask me to...." he took off his shirt and flexed his muscles, "And u will, cos no one can resist this bod, but please come down. I can save the world from giant evil penises without you!"  
Sam looked at his brother and.  
Just couldn't resist those puppy eyes.

PART 2

Dean hugged Sam close to him. He was sobbing furiously into Sam's signature checked shirt.  
"waaaaaaaa I thought you were gonna die duuuuuudde" Dean squealed, holding him tighter.  
"Okay, get the fuck off me now...where'd buffy go?" Sam asked, looking around.  
"there she is." Lex said pointing at her. She was frantically running around the car park chasing a teenager who was dressed up as a vampire.

"oooh i wanna play chase the hott dude too!" Dean said, throwing his arms in the air. "Thats not what they are doing." Sam informed him. Svetlana slowly stepped into the picture, placing her large head inbetween Lex and Clark who were staring at each other. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH DOING INFRONT OF ME!" Lex said, she was now nose to nose with him. Clark huffed and puffed and blew the bitch away.  
Svetlana landed on top of the kid dressed as a vampire and crushed him. Buffy lunged and staked her. When she realised who she had killed she screamed.  
"Oh no! Killing a human is WRONG! WRONG WRONG! My soul is tainted forever, i am no longer pure. Taking a human life is unbearable i must suffer in hell...I...."  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" lex cried, "Killin wierd bitches who poke their heads around ain't bad."  
"Yeah," Lionel growled.. "I kill people all the time. I even tried to kill lex...it's not a bad thing!"  
Lex glared at his giant hairy father, "You sick son of a..."  
"Don't swear," Clark said, his big eyes glassy with tears, "It makes jesus cry."

Suddenly sam felt something wet hit his thigh.  
"What the?" his voice trailed off as he noticed it was 'goo.  
"Sorry dude," dean said, zipping up his fly. "I couldn't help it."  
"OH FOR CRAPS SAKE!" sam cried.  
"AHHHHHH!" Buffy screamed. Svetlana had turned pale and risen to her feet. "she's a vampire!"  
"That is wack," dean said, "wack."  
Sam gave his brother a smack.  
Svetlana smiled evilly.  
"Crap, lets run. Unless, Buffy stake her." Lex said, grabbing her arm "nooooo, its my fault. Let her live." she said...looking insane.  
"Fuck this shit" lex grabbed a stake and pounced on Svetlana, stabbing her in the...leg.  
"Man your aim sucks like fuck dude" Sam said, taking out a convenient crossbow out of his ass. POW! he shot her in the heart and she fell down dead.  
"My hero!" Dead said, gayly squealing and hugging Sam.  
"Dude, for the fifth time, Im your bro...drop it." he said, pushing Dean away from him. Just then Lionel fell from the sky and landed as a normal sized person ontop of Dean.  
"Why helllooooooo there" Dean said, stroking Lionel's mane, "so so soft. heheh" he giggled girlishly before being dragged away by Lex, who once again slapped him! Dean ran into sam's arms, crying.

Lionel stood up and noticed a bit of goo on his jacket. He looked suspiciously at Dean.  
"Oh sam," dean sniffled, "Keep me safe from the horrors of this world!"  
Sam shook his head, "And who's gonna keep me safe from your sexual torture?" he asked.  
"Oooh that sounds hott," clark said, licking lex's bald head like an ice cream.  
"It's torture for me too sam," dean whimpered, "Seeing your hot body everywhere i go,  
having to drug you to get the satisfaction i need, peeping at you in the shower."  
Sam pushed his brother away, "DUDE YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT!"  
"I watch giles in the shower!" buffy piped in, her eyes rolling crazily in her head.  
"Son," lionel said, wrenching lex off of clark. There was drool on lex's head. "Son,  
you have to get away from these freaks! Lets go back to metropolis. I'll buy you an ice cream!"  
"Ooooh Mint flavour!" lex cried, clapping his hands. Then he frowned, "No. Last time you said that you gave me a cone of hand cream instead."  
"To make you stronger son," lionel said, "disappointment makes you stronger."  
"Ice cream makes jesus happy," clark said.  
Dean offered his brother a cup of wine, a suspicious look on his face.  
"Want something to drink Sammy?" he asked sexily.  
"No way," sam narrowed his eyes, "I totally saw you slip sleeping powder in it. You are still holding the bottle in your hands."  
Dean threw it away and slithered slinkily toward his brother.  
"No i didn't," he said. "You're just insane."  
"OH MY GOD!" buffy said...


	2. Chapter 2

THEN

Dean offered his brother a cup of wine, a suspicious look on his face.  
"Want something to drink Sammy?" he asked sexily.  
"No way," sam narrowed his eyes, "I totally saw you slip sleeping powder in it. You are still holding the bottle in your hands."  
Dean threw it away and slithered slinkily toward his brother.  
"No i didn't," he said. "You're just insane."  
"OH MY GOD!" buffy said...

NOW

"What?" Sam snapped, shoving dean away from him.  
Dean fell on the floor and pouted, his glossy rasberry lips glistening and tears shining in his glassy eyes. His long lashes were wet as they fluttered slowly and his lightly freckled skin looked good enough to.  
"STOP DESCRIBING HIM!" Sam cried, shaking a fist up towards the heavens.  
Buffy tugged Sam's arm, "LOOK! ITS....."  
Lionel pushed her out of the way and grabbed his son, who was dancing the tango with Clark.  
"Lex, stop giving in to the gay way. That farm boy will give you diseases in your private parts."  
Lex glared at his father and burst into tears. "God dad, Clark is as pure as a bollywood heroine. He hasn't been with anyone but me. We are in love, made for each other. DESTINED!"  
Clark nodded, "Like sam and dean."  
Dean smiled and stars sparkled in his eyes.  
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Sam cried, wringing his hands.  
"FARM BOYS SMELL AND HAVE DISEASES!" Lionel cried, unrolling a chart which showed where diseases could be found on farm boys.  
"OH MY GOD!" buffy screamed, her eyes popping out of her head and then going back in, "ITS A MOTEL!" she screamed, jumping up and down and clapping her hands, "safety at last"

Dean flung open the door of the motel and flopped onto the hard bed. "Well....like I've never been to a motel before" (wink Wink) Sam said. He looked behind him at the mass of random people they had picked up on their way. "Oh Sammy, come sit by me and watch the game." Dean said, patting the bed ferociously and practically making a hole in the sheets. Sam gulped and adjusted his collar nervously.  
"I think Ill just sit at the other end of the room...in the corner actually. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Dean screamed standing up and making a dramatic tantrum which split his jumpsuit in 2. Just then Buffy entered the motel and saw Dean standing in a thong which he had been hiding under his jumpsuit. "Oh my Spike!" she screamed in sobs, just then Spike drove up to the motel,  
"Home sweet home." he said, with a gigantic cigarrette in his mouth.  
"What the fuck man, where are all these people coming from." Sam said, in his head. "I think Im the only fairly sane person here."

"On no," Lionel said, rubbing his beard mysteriously. "I'm fairly sure i'm sane."  
"I want to fuck you." Dean said, placing his hand on Sam's thigh, "Both of you. right now."  
"OH LORD!" Sam cried, "Are you aware of how many people are in this room right now?"  
Dean stuck a cherry flavour lolly in his mouth and sucked on it. "So, like, you would do it if we were alone?"  
Sam rolled his eyes.  
Lionel looked at his chart and muttered, "Farm boys have diseases here," he pointed at Clark's mouth, which was pouting sexily. "And here," he pointed to clark's armpit.  
"Son, have you gotten any of Mr kent's armpit on you?"  
Lex scratched his bald head in confusion, "How do you get armpit on you?"  
Dean laughed, "Like this!" he cried, lifting his arm and shoving his armpit into Sam's face.  
Nobody paid attention to buffy and spike, who were having angry sex in the fireplace.  
Suddenly dean's phone rang.  
"Hello?" he asked, looking VERY SERIOUS.  
Sam threw up on buffy and spike.  
"46 mint 789 bubby." the voice on the other end of the phone growled.  
Dean hung up and looked around with worried eyes, "Oh No!" he cried.  
"I knew it!" Lionel cried, "Lex has CRABS!"  
Lex slapped his father, "Bitch. SHUT. UP."  
Dean shook his head, "No, that was my 'sometimes-sexual-contact-at-the-demon-bar' he said that.......aslan is on the move....."  
Everyone suddely felt a sense of awe fill their bodies. They smiled delightedly at each other and hugged. The motel turned into an emerald field filled with poppies. They frolicked for several minutes. Suddenly Sam realised they were all naked.

"maaaaaaannn...." he said rolling his eyes.."cant we ever be in a relatively normal situation which doesn't involve nakedness or gayness." Sam looked over at the incredibly large group of his "friends" who were all frolicking in the field and saw Clark sitting innocently in the corner playing the harp and singing a song.  
"I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord..." he said, and as he was singing LEx gracefully ballet danced over to him and sat on the grass as he listened to his sweet song.  
"But you dont really care for music, do ya??" he continued, soon the whole group was on the grass listening naked to Clark. As he played a halo began to descend from the sky and landed above Clark's head.  
"awwwwwwwww" they all said.  
"What the fuck dude" Sam suddenly said and the music abrubtly cut and they sky turned grey. But Clark kept singing,  
"Hallelujah!! Hallelujah!!!!!! HALLELUJAAAAAAHH!!" he squealed like a cat. Everyone turned to look at him and Clark quickly stopped. Just then a large rawr sounded in the distance and four weird children galloped towards them. "who are you?" Dean asked, looking intensley at the tall one who looked like he was holding a sword 20 times to big for him.  
"We are the children of Adam and Eve!" they said, looking very proud."  
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" they all laughed and Dean moved closer to the one named Peter.

"You're a sexy schoolboy slut aren't you?" he asked, licking peter's cheek. "Lets do it."  
Sam yanked his brother away, "Jesus dean he's like 8."  
"I am PETER THE MAGNIFICENT!" Peter cried, puffing his chest out.  
Lionel took a magnifying glass out of his hair and studied clark's head through it.  
"I knew it," he growled. "LICE. alien lice. Lex, he'll give you lice."  
"I'm bald bitch," Lex snapped.  
"Bitch is a nasty word," Clark pouted, "I don't want you to go to hell lexie, i want you to stay mine forever and ever and go to heaven togther and be happppyyyyy.....don't swear.  
Baby jesus in the manger wouldn't swear."  
"There's a worm!" Lionel shrieked, pointing down low on clark.  
"that's his penis, dad!" Lex said, with a saucy smile.  
Peter frowned, no one was paying attention to him "I AM PETER THE...." he was cut off by a loud roar.  
The smallest child suddenly smiled like a retarded chimpanzee and clasped her hands together in glee. "ASLAN!" she cried. The Lion jumped on her and bit her head off. It then devoured Peter, Edward and Susan and some random dude called Justin Finch-fletchley. Dean orgasmed. "ASLAN!" he cried, dropping to his knees.  
"I officially want to kill myself, "Sam said.  
"I have important words for you, " Aslan said. Lionel wondered why the Lion had Liam Neeson's head.  
"The wind is blowing from nearly north-west but a little bit south and the trees have heard whispers. The fairies are afraid and the elves pissed their pants. Frodo and Sam had a threesome with Gollum and lana's a lesbian. This means that you must all journey to Mordor to destroy this evil spirit called the Gay aroma which spreads gay vibes and evil penis' everywhere it goes."

Just then Dean jumped onto Aslan's back, "Giddy up horsey!!" he shouted, pointing in the direction of...well what he thought was mordor but was just a rock. "Dean get off Aslan, you are still naked and thats a Lion not a horse." Sam said, while continusly slapping himself in the face, "its just a dream, its all just a really fucking disturbing and incredibly gay wet dream!" he said, fainting.  
"MY PUMPKIN!" Dean cried, jumping off Aslan and flopping onto Sam. Buffy looked down at Sam, and Dean's butt which was stuck half way in the air "Omg this totally happened once when.."  
"SHUT UP WHORE!!!" Dean screamed throwing holy water at her, which he had retrieved from Sam's bum. She ran away crying.  
Sam opened his eyes and saw a huge face smiling at him. "Dude, why are you on top of me, and why is your nose touching mine.." he said, attempting to scramble up from under Dean, but Dean started rubbing his nose against Sam's and making funny squealing noises.  
"Oh honey bunny." Dean said, stroking Sam. Just then Dean heard a rocking tune,  
"Hello?" he said into his phone.  
Dean nodded about hundred times and then stood up very seriously.  
"What is it?" asked Lex "IT WAS LUCIFER REMINDING ME IM GOING TO HELL" he cried sobbing and blowing his nose on Sam's shirt (which he had managed to obtain dispite everyone else being butt naked)

"That should have been obvious," Lionel growled. "Gay= hell. Burn in the devil's flames for your homo ways!"  
Sam looked worried, "What if you were drugged into being homo?" he asked, biting his nails, "would you go to hell then?"  
"BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNN!" Lionel roared.  
Clark, who had been very quiet for a long while, even though lex was nibbling his ear, suddenly looked up with tear filled eyes...."Lana's a lesbo?" he asked, his bottom lip wobbling "Is that why she wouldn't give me her flower of virginity?"  
"NO!" Lionel scoffed. "She just didn't to have farmy sex on a tractor while cows watched and sheep baa-ed."  
"OH MY GOD DAD, DID YOU WATCH US?" Lex burst into tears. "I was a private moment..."  
"Lex i have camers everywhere, i even have one that follows you around in the disgiuise of Bubby Deol. Look, there is is right now!" he pointed to a curly haired dude hiding behind a daisy.  
"Oh my god!" lex cried, "I thought he was my guardian angel!"  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA..............................NO." Lionel stroked his beard.  
"Lesbianism is wrong," Clark said softly, "Jesus would never be a lesbian."  
Nobody knew what to say to that.  
Sam looked at Dean and dean looked at Lionel's ass. Lionel checked out Clark's biceps and Clark licked Lex's leg. Lex kissed Spike's cheek and spike patted buffy's head. Buffy pooped on the ground.  
"Sorry," she said. "Nature called."  
Aslan sighed, "You must be on your way to mordor soon. The village in the east cries for peace and the fish flee the waves as the sun sets over mars. Virgins dance through thorns and sing about toast while bees sting the weary unicorns that...."  
Sam held up his hand. "Talk to the hand cos this face ain't listenin."  
"I love it when you get all commanding," dean whispered, "can we play Captain Von Trapp and Maria?  
I want to be maria!" he pulled out a nun outfit and put it on. "Spank me. I made your children wear drapes."  
Sam raised an eyebrow, "What. the. fuck?"  
Suddenly aslan roared and they all scrambled to attention. Taking a deep breath they turned and began to walk, beginning their journey to mordor.  
Aslan watched them leave, feeling like a proud father. "there they go," he sighed. "The saviours of the world."  
Dean called out to him over his shoulder, "When i get back," he cried. "We have to have a threesome with Sam!"  
Sam threw up.  
Their journey had begun.


	3. Chapter 3

Hi and thank you to everyone who has read/liked/reviewed this crazy story. It is written as a back and forth email between my sister and i. So i write one paragraph and she writes the next etc...

THEN

Suddenly aslan roared and they all scrambled to attention. Taking a deep breath they turned and began to walk, beginning their journey to mordor.  
Aslan watched them leave, feeling like a proud father. "there they go," he sighed. "The saviours of the world."  
Dean called out to him over his shoulder, "When i get back," he cried. "We have to have a threesome with Sam!"  
Sam threw up.  
Their journey had begun.

NOW

The camera soared through the strutting group of heroes who were now on their journey to end the evil penises once and for all. "ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL!" Dean screamed looking at the long line of random disturbed people. They began to walk in slow motion and convienetly past an explosion which helped add to the affect. The camera zoomed along their faces, Lex looked angered that his penis had cause such destruction and also that his mane of hair of a father didn't accept his gay ways. He looked over at Clark who was drooling on Sam's shoulder as he watched Lex. They shared a loving air kiss before Sam interupted.  
"I FOUND ASLAN ON THE INTERNET!" he yelped, holding up his laptop that he extracted from his ass. "ooooo, isn't that a sexy picture of Aslan" Dean said, pouting at the screen.  
The image was of Aslan lying seductively on the stone table and roaring as he stroked his mane.  
"Look father he has hair just like you!" Lex said pointing the Lionel's growing mane which was now trailing on the floor.  
"Be quiet son" Lionel said smacking Lex on his shiny bald head.  
"We must destroy the cause of the peniz ghosts and stop them from spreading more gay vibes!" Buffy interrupted.  
"Shut up bitch, whats wrong with being gay, hasnt caused us any problems!" Dean said, folding his arms and standing infront of a mass crowd of practically everyone who they were with.  
"My internet suggests that to end the penises we must destroy the original one!" Sam said, typing away furiously on his laptop.  
...there was a long silence then everyone looked at Lex..who gulped very VERY loudly.

Clark screamed like someone who had just been told that he would never ever have sex again, which was basically what he had been told.  
"You CANNOT take his penis! It belongs to me!"  
"It will probably shrivel up and fall off soon anyway," Lionel growled "Since it is infected with farmboy diseases."  
"It's really big though," Dean said, looking at Lex's nether regions and biting his lip sexily, "It would take a while to shrivel."  
Sam barfed in disgust.  
"I suggest we chop it off with a scythe!" Buffy said, producing one from Sam's ass.  
"Hold it right there Buffitch!" Lex held up his hand and wiggled his head in the universal sign that mean't 'hell no beeatch'. "Y'all better stop chattin bout my penis and ya ain't choppin it off with no scythe, word."  
Lionel frowned disapprovingly at his son.  
"You were only in the hood once, Alexander. When you were five, to use the toilet. Please refrain from speaking like a bling-wearing bitch."  
"I could suck it off!" Dean suggested.  
Sam projectile vomited.  
Clark burst into tears and slapped Dean.  
"Uh, hello?" Spike stared at eveyone, "We did get ordered by that lion to get our asses to mordor u know! can we go?"  
Nobody listened to him.  
Sam took a mop out of his ass and mopped up his sick.  
Lionel spat on Spike's face, "I don't take orders from LIONS!" he roared.  
Dean fluttered his eyelashes, "I do....especially sexy ones!"  
Suddenly a young boy ran up to them. He had messy black hair, green eyes, glasses and a lightning bolt scar.  
"Fucking hell it's that damn bruce wayne!" Lionel said, "Your performance in THE DARK KNIGHT sucked! It sucked monkey balls!"  
"Uh, dad, that's harry potter!" Lex supplied helpfully.

Harry opened his mouth to speak but his face turned to a confused look and he put his finger to his chin and said,"hang on...I was just in the middle of a very important conversation with Dumbledore about responsibilty, how did I end up here?" There was a long silence and then.  
"HAHAHAHAHAH!" a loud laugh from the corner where Dean was pointing at harry and practically falling over with pains of laughter.  
"He's....he's...so small!" he managed to blurt out. "I mean your like 20 something now and your still such a dwarf." Everyone watched as Dean fell to the floor and held his stomach as he continued to laugh furiously.  
"Anyway.." Sam said turning to face them, "we must press on with our mission, this will call for disguises to get by the things at mordor."  
"WE CAN DRESS AS WOMAN AND SEDUCE THE GUARDS!!!!" Dean suddenly shouted, ripping off his clothes and slipping on a silver glittery dress and golden curly wig.  
"Man, where do you get these things from?" Spike said. "And you ain't gonna catch me in any bloody dress." Just then Dean danced across the screen singing a rather random song.  
"Im too sexy for my shirt, Im too sexy for my shirt!" he danced over to Sam and smacking his ass. "Do ya like that Sam? Hmm, do ya??" he said, wiggling all over him Sam threw up and walked over to the corner where he took a full shower and washed away all his sorrow.  
"Why don't we just get Buffy to seduce the guards, she is the only girl after all." Lionel said. They all looked Buffy up and down..."hmm, I'll need to interview her to see if she is suitable." Dean said, "Lex, you can help, go grab a table.

"Fuck you!" Lionel growled, "Lex is not your servant! That's what farmboys are for!"  
Clark burst into tears. He was fed up of recieving such cruel and heartless comments from his future father in law. He spotted a sharp blade and longed for the cool relief a small cut into his flesh would bring. He reached for it with one hand and wrote poetry with the other.  
"Why are you suddenly wearing eyeliner?" Sam asked, confused.  
Lex turned around and saw what his true love was about to do.  
"No Clarky!" he cried, hitting the knife away, "You aren't spiderman!"  
"Fucking flea." Lionel muttered, producing a portable TV from his hair. He tuned in to a show named 'My son was seduced by a farmboy and now has warts on his naughty bits.  
"You brought a TV on a survival hike?" Elizabeth wakefield asked. She was passing by with her sister, Jessica, bruce patman and Todd Wilkins.  
"LETS GO BOULDER JUMPING!" Dean cried, transforming his dress into a chearleader outfit.  
"Hang on," harry interrupted, "Can someone direct me to the nearest floo network!"  
"FUCK YOU GOLLUM!" Sam cried, "You just want to steal it!"  
"Steal what?" Harry asked, bewildered.  
"MY COCKRING!" Dean cried, "the one cockring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them!"  
"Hello!" Buffy cried, "Do you want me to seduce the guards or not?"  
"It says here," Lionel interrupted, reading the newspaper, "Harry potter has genital warts. he got them from justin finch fletchly."  
"That dude Aslan killed in the last chapter?" Sam asked.  
Dean had an orgasm, "ASLAN!"  
"I DO NOT HAVE WARTS!" Harry cried, "I AM A VIRGIN!"  
There was silence and then everyone laughed.  
"I can fix that!" Dean said, ripping off harry's panties (which were covered in snitches.  
Sam threw up. "It says here," Lionel said, opening 'hello' magazine. "That is a virgin has sex with dean he will be granted three sexual diseases."  
Sam barfed again.  
Dean subconciously thought about aslan and orgasmed again.  
"It says here, "lionel said, opening 'mizz' magazine, "Harry potter is a eunuch. And farmboys sneak into people's beds at night and suck the souls out of their nipples!"

"Excuse me!" Spike cried, "We really should be going!  
Dean looked up from Harry's ehm....pants and slapped Spike,"not right now"  
Sam threw up and then dragged Dean away from the small boy and along threw the field which began to transform into the entrance of Mordor.  
"Were at Mordor now" Clark pointed out but was interrupted by a weird long blonde haired man who shouted from behind, "BLACK CROWS FROM DUBLIN APPROACH!!" "Huh??" They all said in unison as they looked at pretty elf named Legolas.  
"Hey dude, what are you talking about?" Sam asked.  
"We must destory the ring." he said moving towards Dean "Woah, no one taking my cockring." he said, backing away fromt the elf.  
"I'll bargain for it" Legolas was now pleading on his knees "You look quite sexy when you plead." Dean moved over towards him and stroked his long blonde hair.  
"Look the gates are opening, we must sing a song in order to distract the evil!" Clark interrupted, looking very determind to sing.  
"YO, dude, you are superman why don't you just fly in there and save us." Spike said shoving him down the hill.  
As he fell he screamed, "AS YOU WISSSHH!!!"  
"Oh my sweet Westley!" Dean jumped down the hill with him and landed on top of Clark.  
"NOOOOO!" Lex screamed, "MY SWEET CLARKKK!! REMOVE YOURSELF FROM DEAN!" Soon they had all jumped down the hill and landed in a very sexual heep together....except from Sam, he barfed in on gollum.  
Soon they were all back on their feet and watched as guards marched infront of mordor and evil penises stopped occasionally to do some of the guards. "Sexy beasts!" Dean said, as he did he stroked Sam's arm and winked at him.."You and me, right now, right here!" he said, raising his eyebrows up and down.  
"Calm yourselves, the gay vibes from Mordor are causing you to act out!" Buffy said.  
"OH SHUT UP WHORE! YOUR HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW WITH SPIKE, you get whore vibes." Dean screamed.  
"Time to sing!" Clark interrupted and opened his mouth up wide, but was interrupted by Dean who was now dressed as Eminem and burst into a rap,

"It's so supernatural It most definetly IS factual Aren't we just all so mad, gotta kill all the bad.  
As brothers me and Sam will defend,  
credit card fraud,  
is how we spend No end to the strange,  
it all so deranged,  
Sam and Me to the END!"

Dean finished by throwing his mike at a guard and saying, "love you bro!"  
Sam sneezed and his snot went everywhere.  
"It says here," Lionel said, "The snot of a winchester has magical healing powers."  
Dean orgasmed, "Yeah! Its true, the penis acne harry gave me just cleared up! Quick, sam, sneeze on my ingrown toenail!"  
Sam threw up.  
"Give me that cockring!" buffy cried, putting her hand where it had no place being.  
Dean chopped her arm off with Clark's emo knife.  
"Girls don't go there," he said, looking violated. He turned to sam, "Buffy just raped me!"  
"I tried to rape buffy once," Spike offered, "Couldn't do it though. Had to get a soul to feel bad about it!"  
Buffy burst into tears and threw herself into the fiery lava of Mordor. She bounced back up.  
"It says here," Lionel muttered, reading 'cosmo girl' "Mordor is made of the semen of the gods.  
If you throw an apple seed in there it will grow a tree."  
Sam shook his head disbelieveingly, "I need new friends."  
"You need sex." Dean informed him, holding up a pack of condoms, "With me. Right now."  
"I thought rape victims were supposed to shy away from sex!" Sam snapped, looking pointedly at dean, who was orgasming over a picture of aslan Clark had carved into a rock.  
"Wow," lex said, looking admirlingly at his lover, "You should be an artist. Why didn't you tell me you were talented at something other than being a sexual alien? HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME???"  
"It says here," Lionel flipped the pages of 'Vogue', "Farmboys keep secrets and have diseases and there is nothing you can do about it. put that in your pipe and smoke it!"  
"OH yeah," Lex snarled, "I can give clark hormones and convince him he's pregnant!"  
"I tried that with sam once," dean confided, "It just gave him diahorrea and he pooped all over the floor of a diner."  
"Fuck you very much," sam said, blushing like a virgin.  
"Yes," dean smiled laciviously, "fuck me.....verrrry much!"  
Just then an angel in a trenchcoat hovered over them.  
"Behold," he said, "I am Castiel, messenger of the Lord. I have come to tell Clark that he will bear the Lord's child who will save you all!"  
"You Whore!" Lex cried, slapping clark twice, "You cheated on me!"  
"NOOOOOOO!" Clark cried, "I would never..."  
"It says here," Lionel read the back of a 'smallville' dvd, "In this ground-breaking season Clark cheats on Lex with Jesus and has a baby possum. Plus Lionel gets a new hamster," Lionels eyes lit up, "OH GOODY!"  
"Oh yeah," Buffy said, "I watched that episode on T4 before hollyoaks. The hamster discovered clark was an alien and then fell down the stairs and conveniently lost its memory."  
Suddnly Aslan appeared and dean had three orgasms in a row.  
"THROW IT IN THE FIRE!" the Lion roared.  
Dean paused, looking down at his beloved cockring.  
How could he sacrifice it just to save a world full of cheating sluts?  
to be continued..............


End file.
